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2021

Highlights in this Edition include:
Still the 21st Anniversary of this Site; 2 New On-Line LPs: "Backsplash" & Brightest Ideas;  New Videos; Jokes
and That's About It

Feliz 21 Aniversario!

Me holding a fancy mugIt's almost Summer.

I would have gotten out more but the GOO implemented unnecessary lockdown measures for the whole province because the GTA (Toronto) had high case numbers. So because of Toronto, the whole province got locked down. That's always been the problem in Ontario: whatever the provincial government thinks is good for Toronto must be good for the rest of the province. It's not. Spoiler Alert: Toronto's a shit town and shouldn't be the gauge for what normal people are like. Toronto has so many bad things going for it that I don't want to bring myself down by mentioning them.

Speaking of governments, the Canadian Federal Government are up to their stupid tricks again (since they're stupid people). There's something called Bill-C10 that deregulates the CRTC and that's not cool. It's quite serious actually. But when your Heritage Minister is a stupid cunt and gets a $400,000 kickback for tabling this unfinished bill, you know nothing good will come out of it.  Even the Prime Minister basically admitted he didn't know much about the Bill but fully supports it, then again he doesn't know much about anything.  If you're a Canadian, get your VPNs ready and get ready for price hikes, more terrible communications services and less things to watch.  As far as squelching Freedom of Expression, Bill C-10 will do an excellent job of that.  Read my Blog post about it...

In the meantime, I put up No Harm Done (2021 Remix) up on BandCamp and it's sounds a lot better than it did when I released in 9 years ago. Will I remix any other previous releases? I don't know; maybe one or two.  Anyways, have a listen...

After last year's US Election, what I really hope disappears in the next four years (OK, forever) are the Social Justice bands, especially Social Justice Heavy Metal bands. Social Justice Heavy Metal is not cool; it can't be by definition.  They're about as cool as a metal band that cover 80s pop songs, or worse, puts out a Christmas album.  Lame.  You know you're at your creative end when you put out a Christmas album.

 

 

Enjoy some songs, read some jokes and hopefully, next year will be better than this year.

And don't wear your sunglasses around the back of your neck.  It makes you look ridiculous.  Almost as ridiculous looking as a man-bun.

Articles/Blog Entries

Hopefully this next paragraph will be replaced by something else next update but I wanted to say a few things since this virus is going around.  There's been a lot of misinformation online and I just want to add to it by sharing a few steps that can help you from catching it: don't sit on public restroom toilet seats; don't use the public drinking fountain; don't talk to strangers; don't share straws with anyone; wait 30 minutes after catching the virus before you go swimming; and most important, never kiss a hooker on the mouth.

  

It's Like Rap, Only Not Funny - A look at Slam Poetry

A Les Paul TV Model in Telecaster Yellow

Taking a WHMIS test soon?  This article might help.

Spiritual Awakenings - Easter reminded me of it.

Russian Breakup Letter

Feel-good E-mails - Ever accidentally get those sob story e-mails that old ladies e-mail to each other?

Mysteries of the Sun

What's going to happen today?  Find out here with a little help from yourself.  Click here to read how to predict your future (pdf).

Doing a Jigsaw Puzzle.

Office Copier Brochures.

How Chain Letter E-mails Ruined My Life.

A Look at Staying Healthy - Part 1 and Part 2

    

Have a listen to something else

Bright Ideas Volume 6

 

Bright Ideas Volume 5

 

Dutch Oven

 


Latest Single

Latest LP

Songs

Here's the easiest way to hear the songs: through the player:

 

More on the Song Page




I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the pub tonight doesn't exist."

I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday.
You should have seen her face.

I met my wife while I was on holiday.
I said "What are you doing here and whose looking after the kids?"

If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?"
Then remember that Jesus was never married.

As a joke I thought I'd sign up one of my mates to a gay dating website.
All was going well until the site came up with "E-mail address already in use"

Whenever I feel ill, I just go sit around the park for awhile and I instantly start feeling better.
I think it's the gazebo effect.

I brought a bunch of flowers for my first date with a vegan.
"That's really sweet," she said.
"Well I didn't know what you vegans ate."

I phoned the wife from work. "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked her.
"No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.
"How about now ...?"

I went to see a doctor about my premature ejaculation.
"Here's a simple tip," he said, "Think of your Grandma."
As I sat there holding my raging boner, I asked, "Ok, then what?"

My girlfriend complained that I treat her unfairly.
I said, "Geeze, someone woke up on the wrong side of the floor."

I was on a date with a gorgeous woman.
She said, "You're so funny. It feels so good to laugh. I haven't been able to laugh since my mother died."
I said, "You laughed when your mother died?"

I was in a job interview and the guy said, "What are your strengths?"
I said, "I'm not a very good listener."

Russia demands Internet users show ID to access public Wifi.
This is bad news for horny Russian brides everywhere.

I've never understood why the homeless look so miserable
It's not like they can get out the wrong side of the bed.

I can't say I'd find a better match than my wife.
Her cooking's perfect for my Bulimia

Which is more important, length or girth?
Turns out it's consent.

They've promoted that dwarf at work.
As if his head wasn't big enough already.

New releases this week at Blockbuster:
The staff.

I have sympathy for Justin Bieber throwing up during one of his gigs.
I'm sick of his music too.

My girlfriend thinks it's gross that I don't change my underwear everyday.
I think it's gross that she has to...

You know you're over weight when you get in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

I went into a Vegan restaurant yesterday and I was looked up and down by the waiter, "Everything ok? " I asked,
"I think so, " he said, "I'm just a little unsure what to do next, we've never had a customer before. "

Britney Spears vagina is so beat up it's nicknamed Rihanna

This hotel has the worst mini-bar.
All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo!

I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed... "Does anyone know CPR?"
I shouted "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

Remind me, if I'm ever in hospital, make sure I'm never surrounded by my friends and family.
It usually doesn't end well.

As my wife lay dying in the hospital bed, she looked at me and said, "My life is flashing before my eyes."
"That's great," I replied. "See if you can spot where you lost my car keys last week."

Italy's nude statues covered for Iranian president's visit.
They may have made his 9 year old wife uncomfortable.

I was out with a woman on a date last night and she asked where I stood on abortion.
I said usually off to the side so I don't get blood on my shoes.
She left.

I spilled a bottle of Ritalin in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a Ford Focus.

Feminism - The belief that women should be treated equally to men...
Except when women are treated better.

So a 103 year old man has married a 91 year old woman.
He couldn't find someone his own age?

I said to the doctor, "Could I have some tablets. I always get pains in my wrist after sex."
He said, "How long do they last?"
I said, "Usually until the police remove the handcuffs."

A man goes to the Doctor : He said "Doc I think I've got diabetes"
"What makes you think that?" replies the Doctor
"Well every time I fart I find candy floss in my underpants"

My Gran has diarrhoea. It's disgusting.
It almost made me want to take down the webcam in her bathroom. Almost.

After finding out that I had been having an affair my wife insisted that she would get her own back.
Two weeks later she confessed to sleeping with my best mate.
Jokes on her though, he's the one who gave me AIDS.

Although Stephen Hawking is disabled, he still remembers his first memory,
256k RAM

My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.

Don't try to understand women.
Women understand women and they hate each other.

How do you get every woman you ask to agree to having dinner with you?
Move to Ethiopia.

"Are you going to read Neil Armstrong’s biography?"
"Nah, He dies in the end".

I always keep a golf club by the side of my bed when I'm asleep.
Just so if anyone breaks in, they'll know I play golf and that I'm too boring to have anything worth stealing.