Posted: Wednesday, February 8, 2023
D&D has really gotten progressive over the years. The latest is the
removal of the term Race in the game. Lots of nerds can sleep better in
their parents' basement but more needs to change. I got the Time Machine
out and got a hold of D&D's Feature Update from 2025. Let's have a look:
Greetings, Dungeon Masters
Here at D&D, we're striving to make our game even more Diverse,
Inclusive and Equitable. While we know that Equity defeats the purpose of
playing any game, we're still taking bold steps in this exciting new
direction. As a result, we will be updating some of the D&D rules.
Our
first step years ago was to eliminate the word Race from being used in our
literature and we replaced it with the word Species in order not to offend
people who don't buy our products. In continuation, to reflect our new
philosophy, we have changed the rules of D&D to be a more updated game for
everyone, and we mean everyone, to enjoy.
In our desire to make D&D more equitable, our first change to the rules
will be every character will be the same level, whether you're starting a
brand new Bard or you've have had the same Paladin for years. Players that
have super-strong, skilled and wealthy characters from years of playing and
grinding it out will be now capped and will have to distribute anything
above that unspecified threshold to newer, lesser characters. While that
may be a slap in the face to those that stuck by our product for years,
we're sure you'll understand that here at D&D, we want a fair and equitable
game that reflects a society based on how blue and pink haired lesbians
think it should be.
While we all struggle with making opposites like diversity and equity
work together, all classes will now have the same abilities. We found that
Wizards never had the strength of a Barbarian and that is hurtful to all
wizards' feelings. WLM. Wizards can now take on an Aarakocrian Monk just
like a Barbarian and Barbarians can cast spells just like a seasoned
Wizards Aasimars rejoice since every character’s stats from now on will be
based off of Shriekers.
We are removing Experience from the game. Players all have their own
unique experiences which makes us all truly diverse. Through this lens, we
believe that the Experience stat to be offensive as it only marginalizes
players who have less experience. Henceforth, leveling up will be removed
from the game.
There will be the removal of gender on all characters. Now all
characters will be sexless and unappealing, like real-life "non-binary"
people. You will still have the option to make your character unique,
although we highly recommend against that line of thinking. Player's
characters will be able to wear either black, brown or grey clothing.
Collecting gold/treasure will be removed from the game. In its place, a
new QR code system will be introduced and everything will be based on a
Social Credit system. You will own nothing.
Depictions of species in the manuals will now be drawn by their own
species. In the past, sometimes 4 or 5 humans were allowed to draw all
sorts of species: ogres, dragons, orcs, etc. Now, only Goblins can draw
Goblins, Skeletons can only be drawn by other Skeletons, etc. This way they
are accurately able to share their own personal experiences and tell their
own stories.
More-sided dice. We here at D&D feel there could be more room for
dice. Normally in D&D, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 and 20 sided dice are used. We feel
that leaves many other dice, most notably 3 and 7 sided dice, marginalized.
We are expanding dice usage to include 3, 5, 7 and 11 sided dice. While we
debated about having a 1 sided die represented, the term Mobius Strip is
highly offensive to the players without a sense of humour.
We are so excited and we hope you'll embrace the new changes we've made
to the game! By focusing on making the game more inclusive, diverse and
equitable, we're also making any D&D dungeon a Safe Space for everyone to
enjoy.
- the D&D Team, Q3 2025
