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Russian Breakup Letter

Russian Driver's License

Dear, Elena

This letter may come as a bit of shock and I wish the news could be better but I'm afraid we can't continue on like this. In the beginning I enjoyed the letters and, I'll admit, the attention but I'm afraid I can't do this any longer. It would be unfair to not give any reasons of why I'm doing this so, please, read on.

For starters, your spelling is terrible. I have no clue what a "physik" is. Do you mean psychic because I've been known to win on a horse or two at the track? Or do you mean physique, as in my physical stature? I know you're not afraid of using the letter "q" because you seemed to have spelled acquaintance properly.

And your grammar, well, let's just say I know English may not be your first language but practice, practice, practice. I find that my grammar is fine, meaning I try, but if you're going to write letters, you might want to try a little harder. You didn't send over the Decoder Ring in your letter. I find it hard to believe that you "have no the computer at home". I have a hard time believing that your translator program could translate that poorly.

It'll never work between us.

Being this is the 2011, I find myself wanting a girl who is "up to date". When I read that you "did not establish the computer in the house, therefore I have no telephone", I immediately thought how much at odds we are. I like my women to have a high speed internet connections in their homes. The thought of using a webcam that's only capable of 56Kps makes me shudder.

Which brings me to the next point of why it'll never work between us: you don't seem to have a sense of humour. I realise that, yes, maybe some of it has to do with the language barrier, but it seems it's always work, work, work with you. Lighten up. I might be too fun for you and I couldn't spend my lifetime expending energy trying to keep you laughing. Or explaining what every other sentence meant.

And speaking of work...what is it you do anyways? Do you really sell shoes? You mentioned that it doesn't pay well but you frequently "buy some things or fashionable clothes" and you like to travel. I need a woman who can share the load. As I mentioned earlier, it is 2011, and if you can't afford to pay for your half of the bills, groceries, etc because your out spending money on clothes then you better give your head a shake if you think you're the mate for me. One of my favourite English expressions is, "nobody rides for free". You might want to commit that to memory.

Also I put a stop order on that cheque I sent you. Elena, I hope this clarifies things and why we could never be serious together. This will be the last letter you receive from. I do hope that you "in the future to visit in different places" and I wish things could be different but this is the way it has to be.

Tom It's not Ben; it's never been Ben.


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