Well,
the thing I’ve heard most of my “adult” life is how skinny I am. I prefer
the word “slender” myself but whatever. Being 5’-8 ½” and 150 pounds reminds
me of the time when an actual Nutritionist told me I’m the perfect weight
for my height. I had to agree. So, I think it’s about time that I reveal
some secrets for being healthy and, at least, looking youthful to you, the
Curious Reader. This month we’ll look at a healthy diet and next month we’ll look at some weight-shedding activities I do. Then you won’t have to tell people how much weight you’ve gained over the holidays, but how much you actually lost. Fun.
Ready?
Every morning starts off with a small pot of coffee and cigarettes. This breakfast should give you enough energy to make it to a microwaved T.V dinner for lunch (next paragraph). Now, sometimes I get hungry in between that time too, so I find that a few chocolate bars should do the trick. I’m not a Hershey representative or anything, so any chocolate is fine. Some days it could be a Crispy Crunch, other days it could be a Cookies and Cream Hershey bar. Also, as a healthy tip, when you crash from the sugar rush, a good idea is to pump your body with, you guessed it, good ol’ nicotine to speed your body up. Also, those cigarettes really get the old heart a pumping too and increasing your respiration and speeding up your metabolism. Why there’s a ban on smoking, I’ll never know.
Whew, so we made it to about 12:00. Just in time for lunch. Lunch is always optional. I find a lot of healthy fat people eat all three meals a day. Fools. That’d be fine if a day had 48 hours in it and I bet they don’t have a 29 inch waist. Stick with me, kids. Now, if I do eat lunch, it’ll be a microwaved dinner – these range from Penne Polio to Fettuccini Alfredo. It even comes in its own dish, or “portions”. Coca Cola goes great with lunch too. This hearty meal is usually washed down with more coffee and cigarettes. Now sometimes I’ll stray from the plan and get fast food. I find that McDonald’s McDeal meal is perfect; they mix it up everyday so it never gets dull. Hat’s off! And they’re under $5.00 for all you money conscious people out there. Heck sometimes I’ll even get one for…
Dinner. Ah, dinner, sometimes my favourite meal. Can you say Cool Ranch? I’m just kidding; I like pretzels too. But if I find that the day’s lunch didn’t quite cut it, I’ll have dinner or what some people call “supper”. Usually I’ll go out to eat since I’m all for “paying for the convenience.” Now if I don’t feel like actually physically going out, I’ll order a pizza. Pizza’s great; usually has your food groups too. And you can wrap up what you don’t eat and have it the next day.
Also, with dinners, you can even bring a friend with you and those can be the best ones since you’ll be too busy talking to actually eat. Also, it’s cheaper when they order an entrée and you’ll be having “the finest grilled cheese sandwich” this side of the city. Now if your friend insists on getting the bill, then get whatever you like. This works well since you could eat too well and then skip breakfast the next day. But don’t get too bloated if there’s activities planned following dinner. If you kids don’t get that, then that’s OK, even though that’s part of next month’s health article.
